Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Spamming the Spammers

Recruiting Nigerians for fun and profit!

Hog on Ice has taken upon himself the noble task of fighting the Nigerians with their own weapons, those being mounds upon mountains of rotten bulls**t. You know the Nigerians--the country seems to be chock-full of your deceased great uncles with multi-million dollar fortunes, and estate lawyers looking for a way to avoid taxes by giving half of the fortune away to YOU, the lucky spam-ee.

He ("he" being Hog on Ice), as one of his alter-egos, replied to a female spammer today:

Dear Princess Deodorant:

What an unusual name! I know a lady who named her daughters Listerine and Lavoris.

I hope you are right about God blessing me for helping you, because He has not been very good to me lately. Last month the house was overrun by migrating weasels in high rut, and a bunch of them died in my walls while doing "the deed." The stench is incredible, and I probably don't have to tell you it attracts mountain lions.Yesterday I tasered one under the porch, duct-taped it to the base of a tree and called the county to come and get it.

The damn thing is still there. The yowling is so loud I have go out and taser it every forty-five minutes. If civil servants were any lazier, they'd have to hire midgets to sit on their bellies and pump air in and out of them.

Let me get straight to the point. What I want from you is sex. I made a great deal of money trading Beanie Babies on Ebay, and I no longer have any financial worries. Yet I wish to procreate and spread my seed, which I consider far superior to that of the shiftless yokels and slackjaws I see whenever I drive into town for ammunition and adult novelties. I feel that society needs my offspring, with their genetic superiority and unusual intelligence, to set examples for the local Gomers and, in all likelihood, to seize power and rule them with an iron fist. As a displaced royal, I am sure you know exactly where I'm coming from.

I believe genes predispose people to greatness, so if you are really a princess, your DNA should be more than satisfactory. I can put you up here in your own cottage in my walled-in compound, and I will provide you with a generous monthly stipend as long you fulfill your obligation to provide frequent unprotected sex. I hope you can keep up with me. I take an experimental herbal supplement intended for use only by equine veterinarians.

As our children grow, you can help me home-school them and make them understand the danger we face from subversives such as Jews, people who are left-handed, and of course, the Bureau of Weights and Measures. Should you not wish to participate in the development of our new enlightened society, I will gladly send you home with the entirety of your seven million dollar fortune.

Regardless of whether you wish to join me in the creation of a better world free from the degenerate creeping Marxist perversion known as the Metric System, I will assist you energetically in obtaining your funds, in exchange for your help in locating other female royals who are down on their luck and interested in starting a new race of right-handed Supermen.

Send a picture. I need to see your bone structure. The less you wear, the better.

Richard Dewar
Ozymandias, MT

That's class, there. To be so generous...wow.