Tuesday, May 10, 2005

How to survive the police:

A primer.

Lately there have been a landslide of stories featuring overtly cheeky citizens failing to bow down and worship every time they see a shiny badge, as required by the Policeman's Code Book of Shut Up and Obey, Dog, forcing the officer attached to the badge to either:
1) Tazer you (if you're pregnant) or;
2) Shoot you, your vehicle, other officers, and the surrounding area full of holes (if you're unarmed, and have led the police on a wicked fast 35mph chase).

Therefore, I've decided to construct this guide to surviving any confrontation with your friendly local police officer. (You do know that he's only here to help, and you can always trust him, because he's morally superior to you, and he know's what he's doing, right?)

Here we go:
When you first spot a policeman/woman, whether or not they've decided to communicate with you, you must immediately:

1) Kneel on the ground, prostrate toward the officer, arms outstretched in the classic pose of humble worship. Do not make eye contact, as this will be interpreted as an intent to attack the officer.

2) Should the officer deign to speak to you, taser yourself. You should always carry a taser for this purpose. This will save you both some time.

3) If the officer decides that you're still a bit too uppity for your own good, offer to shove his/her nightstick into your own rectal cavity, to avoid his/her having to put the latex gloves on and risk acqiring one of the many diseases that We the Chattel are infested with. It may be necessary to use some long tweezers at the conclusion of this process, to extract any stray bits of the Baton of Discipline and Protective Service left behind in your colon.

4) In the likely event that the preceding have not produced the desired results, (Those results being that the officer decides that you are obviously humble and insignificant enough, and it is readily apparent that you know who the boss is, therefore he/she can strut off arrogantly, secure in his Superior State of Being, to find some donuts or submit himself for a medal of bravery.) then you are as good as dead. Reach for your wallet: The brave officer will shoot you (or try to--officers don't have time to learn to be good at shooting, they're too busy "protecting" and "serving"), and everything else within twenty-five feet of you, emptying three 15-shot magazines of 9mm.

This concludes the Guide. Good luck!

(Links to stories found at Nate's Blogger Blaster)